The Retail Workers Handbook

Welcome to the exciting world of retail!  To help better prepare you for the journey ahead, here are some rules and guidelines to make things easier for you and the customer:

1. You are an incompetent moron, as service industry employees are the lowest work group society has to offer.

2. The customer should never be expected to do anything themselves, and it is your job to hold their hand in all aspects of their shopping experience.

3. Elderly customers are godlike, and you should immediately drop everything you are doing to help them, no matter how absurd or remedial the task.  Remember, they fought for your freedom.

4. You are expected to have an intimate knowledge of every single item in your store, and should immediately know where everything is located.  Ignore any discrepancies with guideline 1.

5. It is your fault items cost as much as they do or work as poorly as they do, and you should always apologize profusely and take full responsibility for the matter at hand.  Personally pay for the cost difference or construct a new item if possible. 

6. You are mentally unfit to answer any question regarding policy, and must immediately request a managers assistance should any problem arise.  Ignore any discrepancies with guideline 4.

7. Out of stock items are your fault.   You should have known that particular customer was going to be looking for that item at that time.  Find more immediately.

8. You are responsible for all adverse weather conditions, and will apologize accordingly.  Give the customer your coat, gloves, umbrella, etc. and take responsibility  for their discomfort.

9. Malfunctioning shopping carts are your fault, and you will perform any needed maintenance or spot welding to return it to prime working condition.  Ignore any discrepancies with guideline 1.

10. The AARP is an elite network capable of many great feats.  They will write a letter to the editor and have your job if you run out of their favorite coffee.

11. All children are angels, and you will smile and wave as they destroy the store while their parents browse magazines and wait for prescriptions.  

12. Under no circumstances should it take longer than 15 seconds for any transaction to be completed, regardless of the amount of items in question.  This goes double for coupon hoarders.

13. You are to bow in humility until the customer is finished with their phone conversation.  You should feel privileged and honored that they chose your store.

14. You are responsible for the personal musical tastes of every customer, and must play Hall & Oates simultaneously with Britney Spears.  Research acoustics and wiring if necessary.

15. All ad misprints and customer misinterpretations of ads are your fault.  The customer obviously did not make a mistake reading the fine print.  Offer any valuables you may have to the customer as a humble apology in addition to all of the products being free for your gross incompetence.