This installment will cover Sucker Punch, and I have no fucking clue what is going on. There's girls in an asylum and shit's all shady, then they all use their lantern corps rings and warp reality to suit their stripper desires. At least that's what I'm going to say, because it's more plausible than whatever the fuck is actually happening, which is some bullshit about women trying to get out of doing the dishes. David Carradine shows up and...wait, David Carradine is dead. David Carradine's clone shows up and tells the girls that in order to stop stripping, they have to go on a scavenger hunt to find a spoon, the m'kraan crystal, a furbee that hasn't been tortured into catatonic silence, a ham sandwich, and William Shatner's dignity. The clone reveals that the spoon has been cleverly hidden inside a Chinese buffet, and is being guarded by a group of 15 foot tall mechanical samurai. Finally, some historical accuracy. Only one of the girls fights the samurai, because strippers prefer being down on their luck. Through a combination of glitterbombs and hip gyration, she defeats the samurai and, after the most intense game of "this isn't my utensil" since goldilocks and the three bears went to Old Country Buffet, returns the spoon to the clone, who can finally enjoy his hemoglobin stew. What, do YOU know what the fuck a clone eats?
The girls then use their magic powers of disbelief rape and travel to WWI Germany for some good old fashioned trench warfare and watersports, but sadly discover the water has been replaced by mustard gas and the sticky residue leftover from Zack Snyder blowing himself. They fight some steampunk zombies with the help of the protagonist from Jumping Flash (look it up), toss their hair in slow motion, and generally make a strong argument for allowing skank uniforms in combat.
This formula of "oh sweet, they're fighting giant monster somethingruthers - wait, they're burlesque dancers now I guess, so let's just - what the fuck, they're insane? This is bullshit" cycles through a few more times in various fantasy realms including, but not limited to: a spooky abandoned mansion filled with "meddling kids", a bah-mitzvah where nothing is kosher, the Futurama episode "Roswell That Ends Well", and John Malkovich.
Eventually, uh, something happens, one of them is lobotomized, one or more is dead, and one escapes on the magic school bus. I hope she challenges the teacher for leadership, because a teacher who just cruises around the multiverse with a bus full of 10 year olds clearly isn't qualified. I may have missed one or two things here or there due to dndjdjdxbxvvxb being more coherent, but I think this movie has something to say. Under enough layers of CGI to make Attack of the Clones look like A River Runs Through it, under more slow motion than a bedridden sloth in the event horizon of a black hole listening to an audio book of Ben Stein reading the novelization of glacial movement, under more whorish outfits than the AVN Awards/Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball cosplay mixer, lies the true heart and soul of this film: Vanity. Oh yes, make no mistake. This film exists because Zack Snyder dared you, FUCKING DARED YOU to watch it. You saw the commercials, and you all thought the same thing: "Christ, I hope that girl is 18. Also, what the fuck is this about?" You saw the action, the fighting, the skirts, you saw it all. All except what the fuck the point of it was, but you didn't care. "Watchmen! Dawn of the Dead! 300! Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (yep, he sure did)! I don't care if his next movie is a meandering exercise in confused pro-woman messages that clash with overt female objectification so viciously that it actually becomes a cause for bi-polar disorder clumsily wrapped in anime references and bullet time masturbation, I'm seeing that goddamn movie!" Well guess what...
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